On The Verge

     Hey guys. Its me again. This may or may not sound a bit cliche to you guys but, lately I have been thinking about where my life is going right now. Honestly speaking I don't like the direction its going in. I'm generally a cool, jovial guy but right now I think I need to "serious up" a bit.

This will basically be me just saying a few things I need to say

     I'm 27 years old going on 30 and what have I done? What have I REALLY achieved so far in life? Yes I've made it this far, went to high school. I've learned a multitude of things along the way. But what do I have to my name. What is my legacy? The thing is this; I am in essence just a boy living in the body of a man. My body may have grown but my mind has retained most of its youthfulness. Which in some cases is a wonderful thing but in others [such as matters of the heart] I am severely at a disadvantage.

     Again, I am 27 years old and unlike most of my peers, I am currently lacking with regards to knowing my purpose, my drive or my destination. I honestly want to better myself but I seriously do not know where it is that I need to begin. I'm not that guy that generally asks for help but in this case I think I need to. I've been struggling with depression and I say that loosely because this is a self diagnosed problem. I over extend when it comes to new friendships and by extension relationships as well. I have my... "addictions", which frankly I don't really think are important at the moment. I am also a chronic procrastinator with SEVERE anger issues. Now these aren't the end all be all of my problems but just a select few. 

     Let me be honest in saying that currently I hate my job. Sure some days I honestly love the vibe and atmosphere. There are days however where there's is this tug in the back of my mind to a darker place that scares even me. Yes I know that every one has their ups and downs in the working world; but to be thinking of ways to physically hurt someone and struggling to not carry out those hideous thoughts takes a toll on you after a while. I work predominantly with women and THAT in itself should tell you a bit about the environment. They are lovely ladies [most of the time] but sometimes they can be... nagging? Day after day "You have a girlfriend?", "Why you don't have a girlfriend?", "You gay?", "You know say you annoying?", "Brady MEAN!". The list is for all intents and purposes infinite. The thing is however they fail to realize the consequences of this and I fail to realize [or a least I have failed] that my silence is not helping to make the matter any better.

     I actually have seen myself coming out of my shell little by little. I flirt a lot more I actually start up a conversation with a bit of confidence with a female I find attractive [mentally and physically]. I actually have started talking to this girl I like currently, and if I am being honest with myself I think I actually do see myself being with her if we ever manage to hit it off. But who knows maybe that's just another pipe dream that wont come true On the side of friends however I sometime [more often than not] literally feel like I am just a bother. Once upon a time I would start up a conversation and we could talk effortlessly but nowadays I am lucky if I can get even a read receipt. My circle was small to begin with and now its hanging on for dear life. Its almost as if everyone has literally grown up and left me playing by myself in the dirt of childhood. Everyone is always "busy" or "Sorry cant talk right now" or just straight up ignores me. Why the hell should they care though? They are living their lives so why should they stop to talk to some kid that doesn't want to grow up? I'm probably the modern day version of peter pan in a sense. I wonder if you guys really see the predicament I am in?

     The way I feel right now is that none of you will read this, and even if you do you; you will only skim through or stop a few sentences in and never even reach this far. Which is actually quite sad, depressing even. But again its not your fight right? This is all me. regardless of whether it is your fight or not however; I still say I NEED your help. Not want, NEED! What must I do? Where do I start? Point me in the right direction. Until then I will just continue to keep my fake smile shining bright. It helps someone else right? But then again.. that's not my problem or your... right?

Help me!

Please?

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