Facebook: The Different Species

Hello world! Today on National Geographic, we are exploring the the land known as Facebook. We shall be looking at some of the species which exist in this territory and giving you some details along with their appropriate classifications. So strap in and prepare for a rocky ride :)

The Gamer : 

Sends invites for everything. Safe to say the updates and invites will never stop

This specie is rather abundant on Facebook. Daily they sign in and flood your timeline with updates about the many different varieties of games they play. Constantly they send you invites. "Click here to help me" or "Click to see what mystery item you will receive" are just two of the many ways they try to capture you. They are a predatory breed. Be careful when approaching and befriending these creatures.

Event Coordinator:

Invites everyone to everything

These creatures are a little bit rarer than the Gamers but are frequent nonetheless. No matter where it is you reside, They will invite you to their events. If you live in a completely different country, and no matter the date of said event, they WILL send you an invite. These are also the ones who are CONSTANTLY promoting said events. They will post the same thing on your wall many times during the span of one day. You could say these creatures are rather annoying most of the time.

The Desperate Marketer / Groupie Hunter:

Tries to get you to be a fan of all their pages and such

The groupie hunters are a very...persistent species. Creating an abundance of groups and sending you invites. Sometimes forcibly adding you to groups of their choosing. The thing with these animals is, no matter how many times you remove yourself from a group or refuse to accept their invitations, they CONSTANTLY send you more. Its as if they are saying, you either join or die from invite notifications. Luckily however you can now block most of these.

Horrible Photo Tagger / The Snitch:

Tags you in everything

Have you ever gone "exploring" at night or any other time for that matter, and done some "things" you would rather not have certain people knowing about??? Like your family, co-workers, even your significant other? Well never fear, or rather you should fear if you hang out with these animal. They take all the wrong photos, upload them, and on top of that they TAG you in them. Now if that's not bad enough, these taggers will tag you in photos that have absolutely nothing to do with you. "Hmmmm that's a nice pair of shoes, I should tag all my friends in it" or "I should take a picture of myself in a bathroom and tag everybody"

The Rash / Parasite:

Likes comments on all your doings

You have a select few persons on Facebook who make it their sworn duty to follow your every move. They are sort of like your secretaries the only difference is they don't bring you coffee in the mornings and you don't have to pay them. This group is mainly composed of but not limited to those in relationships. The people will sit on Facebook everyday, luring, waiting for you to post something. The minute you post it you see a like and seconds later a comment. If you scroll through some profiles, you will see that on almost every post or status update or whatever else may be on their wall, there is this one name you constantly see popping up for likes and comments. THAT is the parasite. The apparently lack attention and are seeking it from you so they latch on to you and follow you as you traverse the vast domain of "Teh Facebooks".

The Quizzer:

Takes all the quizzes

So like this set literally takes every quiz that comes up. "Who Will You Marry?", "When Will You Die?", "What Were You In Your Past Life?" the list is endless. They sit all day doing nothing but quizzes, and to what avail??? Just the feeling of completion I believe. Knowing that they accomplished some minor feat of greatness is what they live for. What makes it bad is that new quizzes are made everyday, and so everyday you have to go through and block more and more as they go along, permeating your timeline with rubbish.

The Passive Aggressor / Drama Queen:

Posts angry status update. Usually lashing out at someone. 

This species is predominantly female. They constantly post updates about how they are fed up, or the are having bad days and waits for someone one to come and comment on it asking whats wrong and the like. However when this anomaly occurs they usually retaliate with a quick "I don't wanna talk about it" or a "mind your own business. Unknown to them however is that what ever comes up on my timeline is my business, hence the words "MY Timeline". Sometimes you just want to tell them a few choice words but then they might end up blocking you and then you would lose some of the entertainment on your timeline. These people its better to just avoid them. All you should really do is read the statuses and chuckle silently to yourself. If you want to share the humour with other however you can share it with the inhabitants of Twitter.

The Infant / Transformer:

Uses their children or Sometimes a Vehicle as their profile picture

Usually seen boasting a picture of their child or a vehicle as their Avatars / Profile Pictures, these people seem to be having some form of identity crisis. Many a times those with the child photos can be seen making updates about drinking and having sex and the sort. I find it funny sometimes and i have a little chuckle with myself. Babies shouldn't be having sex let alone drinking lol. These creatures are usually passive and do no harm. Sometimes however these some Infant/Transformers turn out to be Inbred with the Gamers. Friend with Caution.

The Unfiltered / Primitive:

Posts updates about EVERYTHING. Even when its something you would never, ever want to know

These are usually one of the most dangerous and ignorant kind you will come across. They are never wrong for what they post as they see nothing wrong with it in any way. They post about just finishing taking a shit, just got a blow job, just had sex. The LITERALLY post everything that happens in their life. To make matter worse, they don't make them private posts, NO, they make the public for the whole world to see.These people usually fall into the Horrible Photo Tagger category. Not only do they sometimes tag you in bad photos but they usually come onto your statuses, photos etc, and flood them with their droppings. Most commonly seen at nights however they are not nocturnal beings, they DO show up in the daytime as well. Be on the look out for this species, they are dangerous.

~~~UPDATE~~~

Dumb Smart Updaters: 

Cannot survive without Google

Attention Whore:

Also known as the "Im So Thirsty" Species

This group is known to constantly flood your newfeed with - No not news or anything beneficial to anyone for that matter - yes you guessed it, Themselves. Every five minutes you refresh (not literally) you see a couple new pictures of them in basically the same old poses over and over again. If that wasnt bad enough once they have uploaded said pictures, the trap is then set. "*facebook chat sound* Hey like my pic :)"  or "Status Update: Uploaded a new picture. I look so cute ^.^ Like and comment" the most common tactic however is to upload the picture and type for the description " I look so ugly in this photo" and then hope that someone comes and says the opposite. Very tricky specimen. This species is predominantly female.  





  Now that we've gotten some of the main one out of the way for now we shall end this episode for now. Do you know any of these species??? Have you encountered them before??? Of course you have, we ALL know these people don't we??? Yes, yes we do. As a matter of fact we are some of them ourselves. Come on you KNOW its true. Some of you fall into multiple categories. I know i have quite a few of them which I need to be rid of and so do you. Do your part clean up the environment. I now take my leave Ciao