Beer Troubleshooting Guide


SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
FAULT: Glass empty. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar. 


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror. 



SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. 


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. 
FAULT: Improper bladder control. 
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training. 


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. 
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 


SYMPTOM: Floor moving. 
FAULT: You are being carried out. 
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 
FAULT: Bar has closed. 
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure. 


SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. 
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag. 


SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there. 
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp. 
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer" –SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. 
FAULT: Glass empty. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. 
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar. 


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. 
ACTION: See above. 


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror. 


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. 


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. 
FAULT: Improper bladder control. 
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training. 


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. 
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. 
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. 


SYMPTOM: Floor moving. 
FAULT: You are being carried out. 
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. 


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. 
FAULT: Bar has closed. 
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure. 


SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. 
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. 
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag. 


SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there. 
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp. 
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer" –


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